sometimes i feel a darkness creep
shadows from hidden places in my childhood
my mothers voice trying to convince me that no one besides her really cares
that trust and love and magic
are things only found in blood ties
i can’t really blame her though
she was just trying to dodge her own dark shadows
by grasping onto life she created.
. . .
i have wrestled with demons of worthlessness
all my life
sometimes i win.
sometimes i lose and retreat into myself.
today i lost.
but thats okay
because the solstice is blessing me
my sisters are guiding me
and when i can’t find enough spirit to love myself
the moon always does.
and through these tears
i see a way to heal.
two daze before for full moon my shedding is heavy but with every cramp i breathe out some of the poison capitalism has fed me.
i sit with the sun in this late morning
i will release any insecurity that makes me feel unworthy…
Three daze before the full moon i start my moon cycle. and instead of complaining about the discomfort of this shedding i will take the physical pain i feel as an embrace of the spiritual trauma i and all my sisters have been forced to carry. i will take this bleeding as nothing but a sacred event because that’s what she is and i will love her as a shedding of the scars i have come to bare….
i sit under dusk and stars
the muscles of my womb contracting
usually, i lye in bed
plugged with cotton and feeling everything less than desirable
allowing my moon to flow freely
concentrating the pain into a release of survival’s traumas
particularly on those around my childhood….
though i’m not completely rid of physical and spiritual discomfort
i must say
i feel beautiful.
together we walk
sisters of the cosmos
with daydreams of sea magic
and shameless love for our cunts
sharing laughter and inspirations
the wounds left by patriarchy
we cultivate revolution
between our breasts and our ovaries
we are power
i love you
***just some reflections i scribbled down. gonna make it a complete piece later***
all my life i have heard that the heart and the mind want different things. you can see something, logically, as positive or negative but the reflection of that logic to emotions does not compute. as if our minds and hearts are on different wave lengths. this “reality” has often been used to justify staying in unhealthy environments or continuing unhealthy relationships based solely on emotional investment. in contrast this “reality” has also been used to create unhealthy situations out of thin air by use of insecurities, past experiences and defense mechanisms. the latter is what i have currently been struggling with. i have allowed my negative past experiences and the insecurities developed from them to defer my emotions and projection of those emotions from the “sensible” part of my mind. and while it is true that we are shaped by our environments and are a product of our experiences, who says that my mind and heart have to be in almost constant disagreement? they are two components of a single entity so why have we been convinced to believe the negative instead of a communion between them to work toward a positive outcome?
these are questions i have been shuffling through my head over the past several months as i have begun a spiritual healing process of balancing my own energies. the truth is, we have been conditioned to believe in this dichotomy. in mainstream media, in carefully selected history, “classic” novels etc. but lately I’ve been thinking this conditioning goes right along with the capital conditioning the people face as womyn, queer folk, people of color and working class people in general. and as we look toward a new society, toward a different life. toward revolution we are still faced with these issues. to have a sustainable movement toward the liberation of all oppressed peoples that actually moves beyond marches and one day strikes to a complete deconstruction and rebuilding of this life we must have theory and practice. theory is like the logic of our minds. we must have a logical idea of where we want to go from here. to dream of how to create better days rooted it in real history and present conditions. and the practice of that theory is the emotional ties we have when manifesting movement and struggle. the immense love when the people rise up against our oppressors and demand to be treated as humyns and the rage that comes with the states resistance to our power in the form of tear gas, police batons and murder. but the two must always go together. if you just have theory then there is beautiful thought with no movement…intellectual masturbation and if you just have practice it is too easy to lose sight and righteous acts of resistance become mere activism. we forgot why we are fighting and what out goal is…action for the sake of action means nothing and loses momentum.
so like revolution, humyns cannot live healthily without our minds and hearts moving in fluid motion with each other. we must stop seeing them as mutually exclusive. if something makes sense in your head it can make sense to your heart and be reflected in your motion. the hardest step forward it breaking down the walls of our conditioning, physical and emotional. but just as Egypt ripped of her chains, as Palestine never gives in to U.S. backed Israeli imperialism and genocide, as the legacy of the Panthers, the Zapatistas, the Young Lords Party, and more continue to inspire souls young and old and spark fires of resistance worldwide; we have more power than they tell us we have and they fear this discovery. after all, “a wall is just a wall and nothing more at all…it can be broken down.”
womyn have the obligation to yell
to raise our voices and scream our truths
to be carried with the wind
until our struggle no longer falls on deaf ears
as the rain nourishes the soil
we are rooted in the earth and cosmos
in revolution and liberation
natural and necessary
we birth forth the steps needed to get free
from the sanctity of our cunts
a power that out spans oceans
we are warriors
in every sense of the word
this life can cause us to fall
to lose our light
but we keep gettin up
a little slower and a lot more deadly
it’s been said that a true revolutionary is guided by immense feelings of love
that it’s impossible to think of a genuine revolutionary lacking this quality
this is what i strive for
to be guided by love
as effortlessly as the branches bend with every passing breeze
with my sisters
to be a true revolutionary
without the dogmatic rhetoric
the competition and insecurities
mashed into the folds of our skin by this life
soaking up our very essence of living
leaving nothing but survival tactics
this is what i strive for
to be a true revolutionary
so in love with life and the people
with the ancestors and my sisters
the salt of the earth fresh on my palette
i can taste the liberation swimming through my arteries and ventricles
yearning to be unleashed
as necessary as breath